Things you wanted to say to frustrating clients, but didn’t.

Sign pros, like anyone who works in a public-facing job, have to bite their tongue frequently. When a customer is being a pain, the first response that comes to mind is not always one that should be said aloud.

That’s why we have a “Woulda Coulda Shoulda” department, which collects the quips you know better than to share with those nerve-testing clients. Here’s a recent sampling of those one-liners that sign pros would’ve liked to say, but didn’t.

“Seriously?”

To the customer who asked us: In three weeks, mind you — to design, permit, fabricate and install two halo-lit signs for a retail store in Times Square, with no survey, specs or details, and to finish just prior to Thanksgiving.

“I look forward to making a landmark sign for the business that replaces yours next year.”

To the customer who: 1. Ordered two banners, but only decided to pay for one. 2. Called the final design draft of the landmark sign that he micromanaged the design details of “stupid-looking,” then canceled his order altogether. 3. Demanded rush service to update an aging sign, in adverse weather conditions, during the busiest time of the season — twice in one week. 4. Lied to multiple employees about not receiving a bill multiple times, then took over eight weeks to finally pay said bill.

“I’ll provide you with an old paper bag and a box of crayons.”

To the customer who balked at my price and informed me what they thought a yard sign ought to cost. For that price they might just be able to afford to make their own sign.

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“It’s two blocks from the municipal building!”

To the customer who wanted to order and have me install a digital message center without first getting permits. “No one will notice it,” he said, forgetting the whole point of a sign is to scream, LOOK AT ME!

“ Call me back next week when the job is half done. ”

To the customer who found someone that will do it for half the price… Awesome!

“I’m so glad I fired you as a customer.”

To the customer who told me, in one sentence, “You are a liar and a horrible business person,” then in the next sentence said, “I really like you as a person.” I’d also add, “We’ve tripled in revenue since I saw you last.”

Woulda Coulda Shouldas are collected from the Signs of the Times Brain Squad and shared anonymously.