In a stunning move to ST, and presumably its readers, Boston Red Sox owner John Henry and general manager Theo Epstein have hired ST publisher/editor Wade Swormstedt to fulfill a newly created, but unofficial, position as VP of Anti-yankee propaganda.
Henry said, “I had a son who knew Wade when he was an undergrad at Boston U. Between that, his quote in Bill Dorsey’s [1982] article about the famous Citgo sign, and his shaving his head after we came back against the {bleeping] yankees in 2004, I knew his passion would help the Red Sox regain a championship-caliber attitude.”
Wade’s brother, Tod, the American Sign Museum’s founder, said, “This should be just what the Yankees need to claim the division this year.”
John Farrell, Boston’s manager, said, “Never mind having him in the front office. I want him on the mound. He would have the bushiest hair – on his head, face, chest and back – of any pitcher since Al [The Mad Hungarian] Hrabosky. Between that, his peculiar, Cheshire Cat grin and his 35-mph fastball, he would cause Mark Teixiera to have a mental breakdown after one at-bat.”
In an attempt to compensate for depriving ST of its 30-year, editorial stalwart, the team has brokered a deal that will send Bill “Spaceman” Lee, a former Red Sox pitcher and well-known eccentric, to Cincinnati to become publisher/editor. After having seen ST s “Bizarre” issues from 1989-1992, he eagerly agreed. Sources say Lee will immediately bedeck the office walls with Peter Max paintings, pipe in Grateful Dead music throughout working hours, and encourage special substances to be sprinkled on company–supplied cereal.
Wade (who was in the stands cursing Reggie Jackson when Bucky Dent hit that weeny pop-fly HR in the 1978 playoff game that sent the Yankees past the Red Sox into the playoffs) commented, ”I was having a midlife crisis, and needed a change. And it’s not enough to help the Red Sox, it’s also important to sabotage The Evil Empire.”