Smarting About Dumb Things

Here’s a paragraph from a sales e-mail I received this morning. I’ve changed the name and subject: “This is my 31st year in signmaking. I have made numerous signs, posters, banners, showcards, POP displays and illustrations since 1973. I have just updated my website, expanding my portfolio page, and I’ve included many photos and illustrations. Please take a moment to browse though my website…”

Comparably, here’s another. It also arrived this morning.

“Grab your own honest-to-God treasure map to online riches, not hype, not theory, but finally get indisputable, verified and validated — huge — money-making online success strategies as they are fully exposed in exclusive interviews with shockingly successful web entrepreneurs. These real-life, behind-the-scenes secrets, from simple individuals who made it big, have the power to change your life…”

Almost grouchily, the first writer references himself five times, but never mentions me, the potential buyer. Right away, the second writer promises to make me rich. I like that. I also like that he’s good with adjectives.

On any day, I’d rather use e-mail than the telephone, but I still think e-mail is dumb. I mean, c’mon, the crap that comes through — foot-fetish photos from Angelbaby — is a brainless use of an excellent communications tool.

Unless, of course, you’re into little pink toes.

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Nevertheless, because of the spam and dumb messages, you’re probably inclined to ignore e-mail as an ace sales tool — if it’s used correctly — but don’t. Instead, aggressively use e-mail and your website to gain additional business. After all, approximately 5% of the world’s population — more than 350 million people (136 million in the United States) — are online.

Unless you already own a copy, start by buying and reading Internet Marketing for Dummies. The book will inspire you to rethink and rework your website and e-mail activities, and, although it doesn’t contain an “honest-to-God treasure map to online riches,” it will, sensibly, change your e-mail and website life.

Because it connects everyone, e-mail is the Web’s common denominator. Even better is that it comes free, so far, with your Internet service — it’s quick, easy, and there’s no need for paper, envelopes or stamps. Most importantly, it reminds customers of your products and services.

Imagine, for example, dispatching e-mails to your customers with one of the following headlines.

* Back-to-School Signs Sale

* Preseason Discount on Holiday Signs

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* Electric Sign Inspection and Lamp Check Sale

* Neon Sign Pre-Winter Wiring and Transformer Inspection Sale

* September Sale — Save 20% on Digitallyprinted Posters

For quick recognition, add your shop name to the subject-box headline, for example, “Cutter Signs Offers Back-to-School Sign Sale.” Next, provide a course for action: a return e-mail, a telephone number or a hyperlink — a tag that takes your reader to a prepared page on your website. Use the website hyperlink to show photos or graphics and, of course, to appear more sophisticated.

My opinion, however, is to keep it simple. To reply to an e-mail, the receivers must only click on “Reply” and keyboard an answer; with a hyperlink, they have to download and respond to a Web page. This takes more effort, and we’re living in impatient times.

In your e-mail text, briefly describe the sale’s guidelines, but remember that marketing e-mail should be slightly informal. Once written, ask several people to check the message for spelling and grammar, as well as content. Be sure there’s minimal room for misunderstandings. Include a brief description of your company and contact information, and ask recipients to forward your message, if they’re not the appropriate decisionmaker.

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Internet Marketing for Dummies includes these protocols, or “netiquette” tips:

* Keep it short;

* Don’t type in caps; and

* Don’t use “emoticons” or odd abbreviations.

To avoid a spammer’s image, e-mail only your known (mailing list) customers and, as noted above, identify your company in the subject-box headline. Good protocol says to provide a method for receivers to decline future e-mails, but this can be a simple phrase, at the bottom, asking them to indicate such wishes by replying to the e-mail with “Decline” in the subject box. Remove them from your list immediately. For more information on accepted e-mail procedures, visit www.emailreplies.com. $image1

Be prepared for replies containing questions, comments, “No thanks” or requests for appointments. Respond to these replies quickly, because, with e-mail, the minimum acceptable turnaround (reply) time is 24 hours.

In web jargon, “flaming” describes an angry response from someone who dislikes your e-mail’s content or style. Probably, your best comeback is none at all. If you must reply, try telephoning the message sender, because e-mails are easily forwarded, posted and quoted.

On eBay, the prominent online auction site, an opportunistic seller calling himself “Blazing Sun” offers 12 x 24-in. magnetic signs (five lines with one-color text) for $25.98 per pair. You can send him simple logos in JPEG format. He also sells “diamond plate” (vinyl-coated) magnetic signs for $45.98 a pair. On either, he charges $10 extra for shipping.

Regarding the diamond plate, he says: “Please note the picture of the diamond plate does not do it justice; this stuff looks like the real deal!”

Does it work? Read Blazing Sun’s buyers’ comments: “These signs are absolutely the best. Excellent! Thanks!” “These signs turned out better than I ever expected. You are the man.” “Wow! Outstanding signs! We will be doing more business!”

You can buy diamond-plate magnetic sheeting from your sign supplier or Magnetic Specialty Inc. (MSI). Based in Marietta, OH, MSI lists numerous sign suppliers on its site, www.magspec.com.

Although you’ll find myriad antique signs for sale on eBay, I found only two other new-sign sellers on the site. One, like Blaze, was selling magnetic signs; the other offered “Angel Signs,” but didn’t say anything about little pink toes.

If you’re interested in selling on eBay, take time to study Infopia Inc.’s (Salt Lake City) Marketplace Manager software — it’s designed to optimize the e-commerce efforts of small and mid-size businesses. The company’s product information (www.infopia.com) claims it uses artificial intelligence-type technology to help you make marketing, budget, inventory and channel decisions. The company appears legitimate — it recently closed a $3 million venture-capital agreement with TransPacific Partners and B.C. Select Fund.

Spam accounts for 83% of all e-mail traffic, according to a June 22 CNN story, and costs “billions of dollars each year in wasted bandwidth, legal bills and additional customer service.” Brightmail (San Francisco), a Symantec-owned company (Cupertino, CA) that provides spam-blocking software solutions, says slightly more than 60% of e-mails are spam.

Not surprisingly, Bill Gates prefers charging you money to send your e-mail. In January, at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, he suggested that a fee-based system — “an electronic version of postage” — could eliminate spam.

Someone ship the guy a hoola hoop.

There’s more: America Online, Yahoo Inc., EarthLink Inc., Microsoft Corp., Comcast Corp. and BT Group PLC, have suggested restricting the amount of e-mail users can send. These like-minded companies believe limitations will curb junk e-mail distribution, but, deceptively, this could also be the first step in Gates’ fee-based, e-mail agenda.

A White House fact sheet says: “On December 16, 2003, President Bush signed into law the Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing Act of 2003 (CAN-SPAM Act), which establishes a framework of administrative, civil and criminal tools to help America’s consumers, businesses and families combat unsolicited commercial e-mail, known as spam.”

In essence, this new law provides interstate-commerce guidelines for businesses that would otherwise face a wide diversity of spam-related state laws.

More so, it allows consumers to choose to stop further unsolicited spam from a sender and provide protection against spam containing unmarked, sexually oriented or pornographic material, and gives “rules of the road” for civil enforcement by the Federal Trade Commission, other federal agencies and state attorneys general. It also helps ISPs curb spam, creates new criminal penalties and caps statutory damages for civil violations, in most cases. If you want to know more about this new law, visit: www.gigalaw.com/canspam/index.html